It’s now round 57 of me starting this blog post over. Lately I haven’t felt quite sure of my decisions. My feelings are all over the place. I’m constantly overwhelmed & struggling to complete minimal tasks. My anxiety has finally caught up with me, as I knew it would. This is what I like to call, the calm freak out phase.
Coming off of a trauma will affect everyone differently. My goal through the initial shock & first steps of healing was to be strong & loving to the kids. I wanted to get back home & pull the pieces back together, whatever way I knew how.
I remember sitting in therapy after we moved back. It was one of the only places I could cry & not be afraid of the kids hearing me. She asked me what happy looked like to me and without a beat I told her:
“Drinking wine on my patio living a perfect moment.”
I use to have those. I could feel the contentment in my heart. Every breath felt good. The kids were happily asleep. Bills were payed. House was clean(ish). Friends joyfully laughing at my side. A perfect moment. It felt like ages ago yet I thought about this perfect moment of happiness often. I longed for it. Jimmy did too.
On my birthday a dear friend who has shared many wonderful moments on my patio (& I, hers), drinking wine & laughing, sent a birthday text:
(She’s in the green, I had gotten a new phone since sending this.)
A couple Saturdays ago, this very friend was sitting out back of our new home drinking wine with me. It wasn’t quite perfect since I have a lot to work on in the self love department. But did it feel great anyway? Absolutely.
On Tuesday Jimmy & I giddily made our first mortgage payment on our new home (yes, I was oddly stoked about it.) Things aren’t perfect but the horizon looks promising. Before I was having a baby, staying positive for the kids, homeschooling, moving multiple times, trying to figure out our finances, & commuting to all kinds of therapies. And now I’m now continuing our healing journey, personalizing our new permanent home which we adore, loving the kids new school, & so on.
I no longer need to fight. We’re winning. Maybe the battle isn’t over yet, but we really are kicking some major ass. But why do I feel like I’m choking? I believe I t’s because I had no time to panic when my family needed me to be strong. My mind is finally letting me lose it & it’s been a real eye opener. My calm freak out phase, if you will.
A few days ago I was scrolling through Instagram & noticed a post from a local mom who I met through the homeschool circle, Christy Thomas. I enjoy reading her posts because she stays positive so I know I won’t end up in a haze of anxiety. In fact, I often feel uplifted by her posts!
The post she made really struck me. It was about her B.A. running streak, her pride in it, & how “this is how she shows up for herself.” She shows up for herself. Wow. I kept thinking “how do I show up for myself?”
My family needed my strength & they got it. All of it. Now I need me to be strong. I matter. And as Christy mentions in her Instagram post, my self love will trickle down to my family.
Christys post reminded me of an article my mom shared with me a couple years ago. I wish I could find it but alas, I have deleted my Facebook account since then. The gist of it was getting things done for your future self.
Why is it easier to motivate yourself where your family is concerned? Why, when it comes to benefitting you’re own greater good, does it feel selfish? It’s silly to take so little value in ones self. I’m done using this as an excuse. I’ve decided to re-learn how to be kind to future me. To start showing up for myself.
I’m excited for this horizon.