There. I said it. It’s out there. I have depression, hear me…literally do nothing because, I’m.Tired.Yo.
Some people are excellent at hiding their thoughts (my RBF make this difficult). They put out a shiny exterior (whale🐳, shiny-ISH), smile, nod, & keep people at a distance (I believe I won the Olympic gold medal in this event). This has been how I’ve chosen to live my life for longer then I’d like to admit. At first I thought I just didn’t like people, or waking up, or wearing clean clothes. Even this blog for me was a little too real of an outlet. I’d write some post that made me giggle and midway through, those overwhelming feelings of “you’re a real POS” would pop into my mind. Mmmkay, done. I’d pat myself on the back for starting it and promise to finish it at some point. (I type as 26 drafted posts stare me in the face.)
I can’t hide from this anymore. I began seeing myself as a nuisance to everyone. One afternoon while the two big kids were at school and Myra was having quite time, (which IS NOT quiet, btw) I asked myself “why does anyone like you, there isn’t one thing that’s likable about you.” You guys, I was sad. I was scared. I was so tired. I knew I needed help. Now I’ve got a new Doc and a plan in place. I’m starting to recognize myself again.
I am here today, not fixed, not perfect…but better. And getting a bit better every day.